Here’s the problem with meeting people “naturally”

So I show up to a running group last night and go out with the group for a beer and tacos after. I don’t know anyone. I just show up with my dog, go for a run and chat up people as the evening goes on.

I initially walk up and chat with some girls and end up running with one of them. I didn’t realize that 10-10:30 min mile was that slow, but I got left, so it was nice to have a running buddy.

After the run I saw a guy with a shirt from my college, which doesn’t happen often, so I chat him up. He’s probably 10 years younger than me, but nice.

At the bar I walk up and start chatting with a couple married guys that were here on work, a cute guy with no ring on and the girl that I ran with. The cute guy was flirty and we chatted more than with anyone else. Turns out he’s also a diver and has his gear and dives locally, but hasn’t really found a buddy. He said he would totally be willing to go diving any time. He’s cute, fit and taller than me, plus into my favorite sport, diving! We exchange numbers and when I say I’m heading out, he waits for me and walks me out of the bar. He puts his hand on back and guides me out and chats a bit more outside. He gives me a hug and says he’ll check the water conditions and call me.

I am totally thinking he is into me and I’m interested. He texts me this morning to tell me about the next dive gear sale and what the conditions look like.

Let me just preface this next part by saying, I don’t normally do this, but I looked him up on FB. I just wanted to learn a little more about him. THANK GOD I DID.

His profile shows no information about being single or with anyone. There were pics from a couple years ago of him with a girl on trips, But nothing recent. He obviously doesn’t have good privacy settings. This is where this gets stalkerish and I hesitate to write this… 🙂 Here goes. He mentions the girl’s name in the pics, so I look in his friend list for her. HER profile shows pics of him as her profile pic and HIS LAST NAME. He’s totally married! She had a pick from two days ago with him and he is all over her profile. They work at the same company.  I don’t know what possessed me to be so nosy today, but if I hadn’t I would still be excited to date him!

So explain this to me. Why didn’t he have a ring on? Why at no point in the hour or two that we were talking did he never mention his WIFE? Why was he flirting, even if I misunderstood at all, there was still flirting happening, I’m not that dense. And why is he texting and I swear being flirty?! Maybe I’m off my rocker and taking all this out of context, but seeing that he was married really caught me off guard. So something is off. I can’t be THAT stupid. I hope not.

So now, this guy is probably diving with me and another guy that I met on meetup, and I have to pretend not to know that he’s married. I really want to see how this plays out. I’m going to stop flirting with him and see what happens. But mostly I AM SO BUMMED! Damn it! A cute, runner who dives and I had a connection with. Fucker.

Here’s the other interesting part. The guy I’m diving with from meetup, randomly sent me a message through meetup that he wanted a dive buddy. Mind you, there are LOTS of dive groups, so I thought it was a little interesting that he messaged me specifically. We’ve been chatting and he’s been slightly flirty, but nothing much. He mentioned a girlfriend and said he didn’t think it was going to work out, but I’ve been treating him like a friend. I don’t do cheating. I thought it would be a little weird inviting the cute new guy and maybe meetup guy would get weird, but we’re supposedly just diving together and he has a girlfriend.

Meetup guy texted me last night saying he was excited to dive and would call me today. I told him about inviting new guy and there’s been no response. He’s normally pretty good about responding so…

This will be interesting. Both men are taken, yet this all feels slightly awkward. I hope these two aren’t really the huge douchebags they look like right now. If they are, I’m going to start losing faith in men.

Maybe there are some liars online, but I haven’t run into any yet and I’ve been on there for a long time.

So this is one point for online dating… YOU KNOW THEY ARE SINGLE!

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Texting Flakes and PhD Syndrome

The roller coaster that is dating. One minute you have 5 guys and the next they’re gone and you’re on the next new guys…  Easy come, easy go.

I’m amazed at how flakey people are. I think that texting has given people an excuse not to be responsible for actually communicating or following through. It’s so easy to text instead of call, and that is an excellent way to keep things casual and then just drop off. All of the men I was talking to have disappeared. Some of my own doing and the rest I guess just weren’t that into me.

I have now had two dates  with men who have PhD syndrome. This is the affliction where you spend so many years proving how smart you are, that once you get your degree you actually think you are smarter than everyone else. The symptoms are self-importance, self-righteousness, narrow-mindedness and the inability to listen to another’s point of view. This list may be a little redundant, but all applicable. There is no known treatment. Beware.

Both the self-righteous engineer, and the wireless/sonar engineer suffer from this horrible disease. Having a conversation with someone who really doesn’t care what you have to say is rather frustrating. I gave up about half way through and just let him go at it.  This actually happened both times and they both had quite a bit to say. It’s as if no one ever let them talk. Hmmm.

We go to my favorite wine bar, and I’ve been on a diet for a couple months, so I planned my calories carefully, because they have the best pizza and wine in town! I was rather excited. We ordered wine, and when he didn’t mention food after awhile, I asked if he was hungry at all. I suggested pizza and he pushed for a cheese tray. Not wanting to be demanding I went with it. After a bit, I noticed he wasn’t eating anything. He then tells me that he’s lactose intolerant and doesn’t eat meat. So why the hell did he order the meat and cheese tray?! Why didn’t I just get the damn pizza that I wanted? Lesson learned. Get what I want. It’s not like I expect them to pay, so I should order what I want! Grrrr.

I regroup in the bathroom and think of how I’m going to get out of there. I tell him I’ve been gone all day and I really can’t leave my dog much longer. Again the check can’t come fast enough and there’s really nothing I can do to hurry the process. He pays, which I don’t have a problem with since he makes about 4x what I do, and I lose my subtleness as I get up and say “are you ready?”. He is still talking about how his employer didn’t check his school credentials as I inch towards my car. I cut him off finally and say that it was nice to meet him and bolt. I think he was getting ready to ask me out again? Talk about not reading the signs. If he wasn’t so arrogant I might feel sorry for him.

The next night was the date with the unemployed, partier and smoker. We were supposed to go out on Friday, but he didn’t make plans, and then texted me at 3:30pm to say he had spent the day in urgent care, but was still up for dinner if I was. I texted him back and said sure, just let me know where. Nothing. I gave up at 5pm. He texts me at 5:30 saying sorry and he’s ready. I stood my ground. “Things just aren’t lining up for us tonight, let’s reschedule for when you’re feeling better.” He calls. First phone call ever from him in the two weeks since we went out. (He’s a dating service guy) He’s really sorry and was looking forward to dinner and seeing me. I stand my ground and tell him that I gave up on him a while ago, so I’m not ready and it’s too late to make plans. He asks me to dinner for Sunday and picks a time! Progress! He then texts me saying how sorry he was and that he’s really looking forward to seeing me again. I said it’s all good, and that I enjoyed talking to him and appreciate calling over texting.

Sunday he calls rather than texts to set plans for where that evening, and he calls in the morning to make sure we have plans. 🙂 It’s funny how the simple step of standing up for myself and demanding respect actually got me respect. Interesting. I will continue to set the bar higher.

The date was a bust. He showed up looking grungy and smelling of smoke. He spent most of the night telling me why I shouldn’t date him. He also reminded me way too much of my ex. Divorced from stress over being upside down in their house, many “girlfriends”, a little too much drinking, slightly agro (which feels like it would end up in arguing) and poor communication. He also looks like my ex, with his shaved head and bad teeth.

At the time I was being all “open-,minded” and was thinking I’d go out with him again. I woke up this morning knowing that it was not a good idea. When my gut is that strong, I don’t ignore it anymore. I could decide to date him and “give him a chance”, but really I already know he isn’t what I’m looking for.

I could see myself going down this path with him. It would be easy to date him. He likes me, he’s fun, and he already wants to hang out often. It would fill a void. But I can see how upset I would be when we flaked on plans, or drank too much or couldn’t communicate. And  he warned me up front! Red flag waving!

I will go home to my dog and my empty apartment, and keep dating away until I find someone that I’m excited to spend time with and who is excited about me as well. If they don’t call, they aren’t interested. I will find the guy who is.

Dating 4-5 times a week may mean more bad dates, but it also means more good dates and that gets me closer to finding the right guy. Staying positive and having fun is important, or what the hell is the point?

Here’s to keeping an open mind, staying positive and having FUN!

Dating milestone!

For the first time ever I told a guy, to his face!, that we didn’t have chemistry and I wasn’t interested in going out with him again. I’m so proud of myself! Can you tell?!

Let’s call him Self-Righteous Software Engineer. It wasn’t as bad as the name leads you to believe. I knew the moment I saw him there was no way in hell. This will make me sound like the rudest person ever, but he is the most unattractive person I have ever gone out with. This is a dating service guy and man are they going to hear about it. He had a sallow complexion, really bad, yellow teeth, and looked older than his years, which are 43.

He doesn’t deserve too much air time, and this should sum it up. I am an educator, and his defining comment of the night was “It doesn’t matter if my kids have a good or bad teacher. Kids are either born smart or not, the teacher isn’t going to make a difference.” When I stated my unasked for opinion in the contrary, he said no, that’s not right. There were a couple other moments like that. Needless to say, he made it very easy to make this milestone!

I do feel badly for him. I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, though really I said it nicely and I was just being honest. I always feel bad lying and then being a puss and texting how I really felt later. Better to just rip off the band-aid, right? Poor guy’s face fell and he bolted very quickly.

He asked for my number and I did bumble it a bit. I said something stupid about my matchmaker wanting me to be honest and I had never told anyone to their face this, but that I really didn’t think we had chemistry, that he was a nice guy, but we weren’t a good fit. It’s at this point he bolted. I admit the first part of what I said was rude and I wish I could take that back, but it was my first time! I do feel bad, but I practically skipped to my car I was so stoked that I had the courage to be honest! Then promptly went to my friend’s house for wine and a pat on the back!

So how many of us have reached this milestone together?

Feels good to be honest, doesn’t it?

The waiting game…

We all know it. I hate it. You go on a great date and then you wait. He said he had a wonderful time (sometimes he doesn’t say shit) and then you’re left waiting for the phone to ring. It’s obnoxious. Really. But there really is no rushing it. It won’t fix anything to text him or call him. Men need to do things in their own time. So many of them are SO DAMN SLOW!

The problem with this game is that women think too much. We know this, well I think most of us know this about ourselves. I certainly do and I try as I may to turn it off, every time I forget to stay busy my mind drifts right back to “damn he still hasn’t called”.

You would think that the fact that I’m talking to/dating 5 different men that I wouldn’t be in this position of waiting for someone to call, but here I am.

So here’s the lineup…

The Sicilian landscaper – dating service guy – we’ve been on two dates and both were very nice, He’s SO skinny though! He’s my height and so damn skinny I might break him in bed. Seriously. He’s got that dark Italian look though and is so sweet. He plays golf and loves his family. He seems like a really great guy. Though at the end of the second date he didn’t say anything about seeing me again and gave me a hug. My gut says he’s just not that into me, and I’m not into him enough to be too bummed out. We’ll see.

The Brazilian baker – from match.com – we had lunch and it was fun. He’s cute in a surfer boy, baker, slacker kinda way. He seems to be floating off his family’s money. I think he would be fun to surf with and kiss, but that’s about it.

The unemployed partier who smokes – from the dating service – we had drinks and he is that tall, fit, bald, cool guy type. Reminds me of my ex a bit, including the bad teeth. I would have written him off, but he’s got this sexiness to him and he had these moments of random kindness and sweetness that threw me off. He was such a gentleman and said some really kind things that made me think maybe he’s not really the ass he come off as. His Mom is really sick and he’s been doing a lot for his family and yet keeping in touch pretty regularly. He’s a big flirt and I like it. I need it right now too. It’s nice to be blatantly flirted with! We’re set to go out Friday. I’m thinking he might be able to help with this itch I have… I have no other expectations for this one.

The ex-Navy seal/bodyguard – match.com guy – he doesn’t have the balls to ask me out. He seems like a nice guy, but man he has no clue how to date at all. I’ve set him up twice to ask me out, but he has yet to pull the trigger. I have no idea if he’s going to get a clue and step it up or not. I can only do so much. He has three kids already and his profile says “not sure” if he wants kids. I’m “not sure” about him…

Last but not least…

The Welsh mapmaker – a match.com guy – I had the best first date with him! He’s shorter than me by 2 inches and I really didn’t even notice! He is so smart and fun and interesting that I really just enjoyed being with him. We had drinks and then dinner at another place and then hung out at his place a bit. He was flirty and let me know that he thought I was sexy, but was totally respectful. He’s 42, which is older but not too much, and he’s been all over the world both for travel and living. I could see us being a really great fit. Life with him would be interesting and so fun. I definitely want to get to him better. He is the one I’m waiting on the call from. I’m trying so hard to just think “That was such a great date” and not worry about anything past that. He kissed me and said what a great time he had with me at the end of the date and asked if I’d like to do a beach cruise, then texted me the next day. I have nothing to be stressing about. He’s in another city for business this week, but argh! Just plan a date already! Plus he’s getting ready to leave for London for 2 weeks, I think in a couple weeks or one?

I think I might be the most impatient person ever. How do you turn that off?

Can I just be done with the first dates and have an awesome relationship with an amazing guy that I’ve waited SO long for?! PLEASE?! As fun as it is to go on dates with interesting men and try new places around town, I’m exhausted! And I’m still lonely even with all the dating. I still come home alone and I’m over it. But also not willing to rush into anything, so nothing to do but… WAIT!

So who wants to play the waiting game with me?!

Wedding blowout

This past weekend was the wedding of one of my closest friends and her family has pretty much adopted me, so I basically part of the family. She’s my age, we picked out rings together when we were both dating men we thought we would marry. She got her ring. She chose the location I had always hoped for. She was going to go to Mexico for her honeymoon, but when I mentioned that my dream honeymoon was to stay in the huts over the water in Bora Bora, she chose that.

I feel like a horrible person. I am incredibly happy for her, truly I am. She has been dating the guy for 8 years and has lost her mom, dad and sister in the past 3 years. She deserves happiness more than anyone I know. This is why I’m a horrible person for feeling bitter and jealous that she is having the dream that I hoped we would each get while I continue to go on 4 dates a week looking for someone to date.

I took Magnum P.I. to the wedding and he was a good date overall. He let me know multiple times how much he was giving up by going with me and how he couldn’t stay after because he was going to have to work. All I needed was to get drunk, put on my happy face so no one would see all the horrible feelings inside and have some good sex. What I got was some hand holding and some light kissing and having to do shots at the bar by myself, and driven home by someone that had too many drinks to be driving.

I do not think that I am hot, especially on the scale of girls in this town. I will say that I’ve lost 10lbs, bought an expensive hot dress and high heels and got my sassy red streaks redone. I feel like I deserved the compliments I got and to get laid. Isn’t that what is supposed to happen after a wedding when you’ve both been drinking, and even if you haven’t? I think we know where this is going.

Tell me this. Have any of you ever been in a relationship with a guy for almost four months and had him give you nothing more than a kiss on the lips (which I think he attempts to make passionate, but let’s face it, there’s only so far that can go) and not make an attempt to have sex with you? Ever?! I was drunk and naked and horny and he passed out on my bed. Every insecurity I had was already heightened by the wedding, drinking and fact that he hadn’t tried anything over the course of our “relationship”, so when there was yet another night of nothing when I wanted it most, I lost it.

He started in about how unsympathetic I am to his stress about work and how much he put off to do this for me and how much work he had to do. I told him if he had so much work to do than he should go do it. He said I was being mean and he left.

I admit that in my drunken state I may not have been the picture of sexiness at that point, but seriously? There is something that I’m missing here. I understand that he is 47 and has a lot of stress at work etc, including a hurt shoulder, but most people can rally for some good sex, right?!

I have fleeting thoughts of having a relationship with him, but if I’m being really honest, I’ve been keeping him around because I’ve known him long enough to be able to ask him to the wedding and other things that I need a date for and he’s pretty good company. He may keep me at arm’s length and “want to take things slow” (this he is mastering) but I’m at the end of my rope. I apologized for my behavior. No matter how I feel about him, I never want to be ugly and I was in poor form that night. Though I can’t get over that he couldn’t just be there for me. I really would’ve just been ok with some affection and understanding. Maybe I’m being selfish considering how much stress he’s under, but I really just needed some TLC on this particular night. I had even prepped him on the way there with why this was so hard for me.

I apologized twice over text. He accepted, and said he was too busy to hang out this week but is going to my friends birthday party tomorrow. I don’t want to be with him long term, but I’m so tired of being alone, that I don’t have the balls to be done with him yet. This makes me feel incredibly pathetic. The stronger, more confident me would tell him to hit the road and best luck. But instead I’m using the excuse that I’ve already invited him to this event and gave him a birthday wine/painting night that we have yet to set a date for that I feel bad taking those back. What is wrong with me?

What do you do when your gut says be done and your mouth won’t take care of business?

Well, that sucked

I have two stories this week that are fitting of this title.

Wednesday night I had a date with a new IJL (It’s just lunch, dating service) guy. I signed back up for the expensive dating service with the mindset that everything I do to forward dating is getting me closer to my end goal of getting married and having kids. So Wednesday I was to meet a 43 year old biomedical engineer that is supposedly good looking in a rugged sense with salt and pepper hair (this description from the coordinator). So I get a little extra sexy in my short dress, my heels and am feeling particularly cute as I drive 30 min to an awesome little place on the beach overlooking the water at sunset. Not bad at all. I’m right on time and order a glass of wine while I wait. 5 minutes go by and I think, “Well, he’s not getting any bonus points”. I check my phone again after 10 minutes, time goes really slowly when you are drinking alone waiting on your blind date to arrive…

Finally after 20 minutes I ask the waiter to check with the host to see if my date has called. I have a sinking feeling I know what the answer will be. The waiter does not return, but the host, turns out he’s the owner, sits down with me. He’s super nice, and says that he tells women that if the guy hasn’t called or shown up in 15-20 minutes he’s not coming. Well, shit. He says my glass of wine is on him and that this guy really screwed himself over and is missing out big time. We chat for about 20 minutes more and talk about the restaurant business and such and I finish my wine and go. I only feel slightly embarrassed. Mostly I’m just pissed that I spent my evening getting really sexy for a drink by myself 30 minutes from my house when I could have been at a dive club meeting or at my friend’s wedding dress fitting. Though there are worse ways to spend an evening than having a glass of wine with the owner of a very nice restaurant, watching the sunset over the ocean. Still, it sucks to get stood up on a blind date!

So I call the IJL the next day and tell the coordinator what happened. She’s shocked that he didn’t show and promises to call him and find out what happened. I feel like there is absolutely no excuse for not calling IJL sometime that day or calling the restaurant to let me know. This date was set up a week in advance and she called to confirm the day before. I can’t imagine any scenario being an acceptable excuse for leaving me sitting there.

She calls me back to say that he left her a message saying how sorry he was and that he was super sick and lost track of the days. Apparently he didn’t check his messages and was so out of it he didn’t realize he had a date. I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no way that I would ever be so sick that I would blank out on everything on my calendar and not be able to make a phone call. This excuse just doesn’t hold water for me. Screw this dude. He can kiss my ass. Moving on.

On to the second date that sucked this week. Well, the date didn’t suck, just the end. I met software guy, from match, at a little bar by my house for afternoon drinks today. We had a great hour and half phone conversation 2 nights ago and it was easy and fun. His pictures are cute and he’s tall and super well traveled and adventurous. I was very excited to meet him. He’s cute in person and though we were a little awkward at the beginning, had a great three hour date and the conversation was easy and fun again! I’m not stoked the he’s not an exercise kinda guy, he’s more into hiking and random active things instead of working out every day like me, but he’s interesting and I totally want to get to know him better. He offers to drive me home since I walked over, and I give him a hug waiting to hear him say something about getting together again. Nothing. So as I’m getting out of the car I say “So, I don’t know if you’d like to get together again…” to which he replies “Uh, yeah, we’ll be in touch”. Ouch. So he’s not interested. That sucks. Why spend three hours chatting with someone that you don’t feel a connection with? If you’re not feeling it after an hour or so, then beg out with work or some random task! Don’t waste three hours of my night! I’m not pissed, or sad, but that just really sucks.

Everyone should really like me, want to date me, and I should get to choose who I want to date! Right?! Well, that’s what would happen in my perfect happy little world. No one ever wants to feel like they aren’t worthy.

So really, there’s nothing else to say but, THAT SUCKED.

The jury has reached a verdict, or has it?

Judging someone on a first date or any date really is automatic. I’m looking for someone that it will work with. How do you turn that off? I feel like I need to know right away if he’s the right one. Is he cute/am I attracted to him? Is he polite? Does he listen when I talk? Is he educated? Is he active and well traveled? These are just a few of the many things I pay attention to. We all have our criteria.

A friend told me that when she only focused on if she was happy in that moment and enjoyed spending time with her boyfriend did she stop worrying about if he was her type, and ended up marrying him. He isn’t at all like the guys she normally dated and they are very different, but complement each other and really enjoy spending time together.

Somehow I need to learn to turn off the voice in my head that puts pressure on me not to “waste time” dating the wrong guy, and just enjoy getting to know him. What’s hard for me is that I feel like since I’m 36, I don’t have time to “play around” and just have fun. Though putting that kind of pressure on myself might also being causing me to count out guys that could be a good fit for me if I gave them half a chance. By judging every little thing they do on a first date and determining how they are by my initial perceptions, I’m not giving them much of a chance am I?

This is why while I’m enjoying going to go out with Magnum P.I. I’m still going to date new people. I’m going to take things slow and really get to know him before jumping in like a normally do, and only date him. I’m also really going to focus on being present in each moment and doing things that I enjoy doing without worrying about how it’s going to go later down the road. I seriously have to remind myself of this about every 30 minutes or so. Maybe I should write it on my hand.

Is it possible to get to the point where you are present in every moment and not lost in your head?

How do you turn off that damn voice that’s always chattering away?!